FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
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Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
💯😂
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough