My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.