Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.