I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Accurate
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
You are not alone 💚
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island