Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
thanks auntie mary
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.