[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
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I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
bad news gang
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me