Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
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[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman