I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
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Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Yup
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Netflix and awkward silence?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about