Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
same energy
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now