[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
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Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Gross if literal…Liverpool
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??