You Might Also Like
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that