8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
😬
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
But is it really??
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*