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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?