My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
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[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.