“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
You Might Also Like
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
What the hell is going on?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Happy Thanksgiving
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.