[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
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Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Schrödinger’s cookie
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What