[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
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Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.