When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
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put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
peak technology
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Is this you?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed