A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
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“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
*me flirting
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.