[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I only eat vegetarians.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.