Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
You Might Also Like
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants