[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
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