I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I cannot stop laughing at this
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.