Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
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Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.