Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
You Might Also Like
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Solving a traffic jam
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.