I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.