Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
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*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them