I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
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At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…