[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
You Might Also Like
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Happy Star Wars day!
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.