Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
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see you in hell you stupid fruit
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Effort made
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST