twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
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Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
There’s only one good girl here!
Kids: Stay in school.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Sniffing the broccoli
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.