K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
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Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Just a phase…
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
favorite tropes as memes
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”