Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
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Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right