My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
the best thing i’ve ever made
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?