[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
You Might Also Like
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Festive toon…
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
🤭😂
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.