God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
A little too much information.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.