When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
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CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.