Netflix and awkward silence?
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$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!