My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
You Might Also Like
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Cashiers are always checking me out
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix