Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this