i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
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muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Green is just blue that someone peed in
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.