Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
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Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Waiting for the Charmin
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Kids, do not try this at home!
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape