My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
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Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Breaking news:
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu