I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
thanksgiving in nutshell
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*launders Kohls cash*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.