them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.