My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
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Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
A small tragedy.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.