If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
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[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
*checks Timeline*…
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo