I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
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What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I thought this was funny lol
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Yes my dude
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
This 4th of July, please remember…
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.