I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
some Old Testament wisdom
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Breakfast for Stoners:
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.