Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
You Might Also Like
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
The Sun
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….